Gavin and I had a really rough night last night. I’m not even sure what exactly transpired. By the fourth time he had me up, I was too bleary to remember anything any more. Nate was up with him almost as much as I was. We fed, rocked, fed, burped, cradled, fed, changed diapers, burped and fed some more. Fed is a loose term, since Gavin was mostly too agitated to latch on and eat. And with every missed latch, Gavin let out a shriek of frustration… and possibly agony.
We finally decided he wasn’t actually hungry, just upset. But by that time, I was also incredibly upset. I felt like Gavin’s distress was my fault – clearly I’d eaten something that was giving him a tummy ache. And his inability to latch? Definitely my fault – clearly I wasn’t producing milk in the right way to get him eating properly. He cried. I cried. I don’t know if Nate cried, but I wouldn’t blame him if he did.
At the back of my mind the whole night was the thought: this would be so much easier if I could give him a bottle. I would feel so much less guilty if I could give him a bottle.
I have bottles in the kitchen, still in their packaging. I spent (what felt like) hours considering boiling bottles at 3am to give Gavin some formula. I did go downstairs to look in vain for my manual breast pump. I started googling electric pumps. Because if I could pump a little during the day, maybe Nate could give him a bottle at night?
All of these thoughts were desperate and incoherent. But this morning, I woke up wondering: to pump or not? To breast feed or not?
Going into this pregnancy, I told myself I would rent a pump, pump consistently while I was home on leave, then quit pumping (and also quit daytime feedings) after I went back to work. Now that Gavin is here, I don’t know what to do. I haven’t started pumping, and only just looked into a rental: $120 for a month. At that price, I might as well just buy a pump.
But to buy a pump? The good ones are $200+ and I don’t want to use it when I go back to work (at least not during the day).
And to be perfectly honest? I don’t like breastfeeding. I just don’t. I thought with Laura that it was the PPD that made me hate breastfeeding. But nearly three weeks in, I’m feeling really healthy, I’m bonding with my baby, and I still don’t like breastfeeding. So is it worth buying a pump? Should I keep going, trying to make this work? Should I throw in the towel (and my credit card rating) and start formula feeding?
Last night was rough, and I don’t want to rush into any emotionally charged decision. But I am so torn.
On the other hand, Gavin rewarded me this morning with his first smile:
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
Only you and Gavin can decide what is best for the 2 of you and no matter what that decision, you are still an awesome mom!
I breastfed Chloe for 18 months. I loved breastfeeding, i hated pumping! For some stupid reason I had it in my head that this was what I wanted for my child no matter what. The thought of pumping again scares the crap out of me when we discuss having another baby. But why do I have to do the SAME thing with the second baby? I don’t and might not, who knows!
Just love that precious little boy, formula or breastmilk doesn’t matter!
hope you can nap when he does today!
My motto is do what works best and (attempts to) makes everyone happy!
I had breast feeding issues from the start with Meredith and they had me using a nipple shield in the hospital. She never slept and was cranky and always hungry, I knew she wasn’t getting any milk. We started supplementing with formula because I wasn’t able to pump more than a half ounce even with a good expensive pump. Then after two bouts with mastitis and hearing that she had gained 1 pound at her 8 week appointment since birth, I quit breast feeding cold turkey. I am going to try to breast feed again this time in hopes that this baby is a more vigorous eater, but if I have to wear that dang nipple shield again, it’s back to formula for us.
I hope today is better and you decide what will work good soon
Better night?
I hope you’re finding a solution that will work for you and Gavin. I was conflicted about whether to keep trying to breastfeed Natasha vs. just pump and bottle feed her. It took a while for me to make a decision. Ultimately I defaulted to what I did with Shelby (pump and bottle feed). No matter what you decide Gavin will be fine, but I know it’s important for you to feel good about your decision, too. Good luck!
Whatever works best for you and Gavin (and the rest of your family) I have no desire to breastfeed, and love formula feeding. My husband enjoys being able to bond with him and feed him also. But its just what works for us. Everyone is different
You have to do what’s best for both you AND Gavin. I am a huge BF advocate, but if you hate it you hate it…ya know? Although listen…remember how quickly the time goes…I can’t even remember my BF struggles at this point,. It seemed so long ago. I pumped and bottle fed for 3 weeks before Luke latched…it was miserable…but I’m glad I stuck wtih it…of course I loved breastfeeding fom the beginning so it’s a little different with us. Just be comfortable with your decisions…it’s a tiny blip in the big exciting journey of motherhood!!!